sorry to plagiarise mr. yan's words, who chopped his way into our kitchens in the early years of star tv, but i just wanted to let the world know that i can cook too. or something like that. we, men, have now been forced to learn how to cook because the number of 'cooking? what is that?-kinda-women' is rising faster than the index of our sensex. but come to think of it, men have always been doing it from the stone age. since the day that brilliant guy invented fire. what a dud!

though men learnt cooking by mistake, i had to learn how to cook not because of the fear that i might end up with a woman who won't even know how to switch on a gas stove but because of the cook i have right now. well, to start with, she is a very sweet person. i mean, she thinks too much for us. last time, i asked her why she didn't come to cook, she said - "oh, i thought you won't be eating." such is an understanding we have between us.

and what do i cook when my cook doesn't turn up? smoodles! i mean noodles. top ramen noodles. frankly they are the best. ok.. they are the best amongst the cheapest. well, i have tried the 'two-minute-one's but they aren't as tasty as the top ramen. anyway, why noodles? why not something else? first - i don't think there is anything simpler than cooking noodles. i mean you can boil an egg but i don't know how it's going to serve you as dinner. second - i don't know any thing else. nevertheless it still remains to be my favourite grind inspite of...

it was one of those nights when i came back home, tired, only to see the unwashed dishes lying all over the kitchen. a peculiar scene when the cook disappears. luckily, i had bought noodles (can't remember which brand). so, tiredly, i opened the pack only to find a lucky-coupon-kind-of-paper-chit inside. it brought smile on my tired face. but my smile frowned and my fountain of hope choked as i read the first line - "CONGRATULATIONS MOTHER!"

i know the marketing guys probably burnt their brains, worked extra nights and came up with this ingenious idea to make mothers all over india feel proud as they fed their young ones with noodles that was not just an ordinary noodle but the noodles with vitamins, minerals and what not. well... not this 'mother'!

anyway, i learnt this (cooking) from someone else (another sufferer) but after years and years of practice i have simplified the whole process and mastered it. now, i can even cook with my eyes closed! or atleast when i am drunk. i tried it once. prem, who wanted more food around 2 in the morning, witnessed my unorthodox style and said, "maybe this was a bad idea." until i served him the final product - a delicious looking fried egg noodles.

frankly, i now feel that i should pass this secret recipe to other men, who like me suffer from those ever-absent cooks or girlfriends who, at every opportunity, want to experiment 'a way to the man's heart is through his stomach'. so, gentlemen and ladies (those trying to impress) keep your pens and papers ready. oh.. what am i saying? keep your printers ready!

a lazy bachelor's guide to making smoodles - the easiest way!
(serves one)

the secret ingredients:
an onion; two eggs (depending on how nutritious you want it); two pieces of smoodles (from the 'top ramen - masala' saver's pack of rs.30/-); wok (or kadai, the thicker the lesser chance of burning your noodles); water (3/4 a glass); a spatula (in other words, an instrument to stir); cooking oil; and a gas stove (those of you who don't know how to switch on a gas stove, please read the manual book and those going through a dictionary to see what it means, please stop right there, for the sake of other people if you love them.)

the process:
heat the kadai. pour cooking oil (enough to fry one onion and two eggs). drop the sliced onion and stir on slow fire. now add eggs, stir for 30 seconds. empty the contents from the two masala pouches. stir to mix the ingredients. tilt the vessel to check the oil level. scoop out that extra oil or add oil if the contents look too dry. now, smash those two pieces of noodles into smaller pieces and drop them into the kadai. stir for sometime. then add that glass of water. cover the kadai and let it simmer for five minutes. adjust the flame to medium. open the lid after five minutes and stir. cook (and stir) until there's no sign of water. serve hot. and please don't use that tomato sauce. try it with mixed vegetable pickle. it sounds crazy but it's delicious.

so, there it is... the secret unveiled. i don't know how it is going to turn out when you guys try it out or how much it is going to help you but one thing is for sure - if i get married and that too to a girl who can't differentiate between a frying pan and a pressure cooker and if she calls home one late night to say - "i am hungry. is there food at home, dear?" when there is not, i'll know exactly what to say - "don't worry honey, i know just the right thing."

burp!